The International Polish Horseshoes Federation Administration:

Brandon "Nailbreaker" Parise (right): Commissioner and Official Equipment/Beverage Supervisor

Patrick "The Hammer" Lyons (left): General Manager and Weight Training Specialist

Patty Returns: The East Coast Shindig; BBQ and Internation Polish Horseshoes Federation 2007 Innaugural Tournament

There are those events in everyone's life that are so incredibly awesome that mere words can in no way adequately describe just how incredibly awesome they really are. Yesterdays Summer Kick-off PH tournament/BBQ was not quite one of those events, but it was pretty cool nonetheless. Here are the photos from yesterdays festivities. Commentary on the event will be added shortly (as soon as my splitting head-ache and hangover subside). Thanks Allagash White/Triple/Miller High Life...
The anticipation for Patty Returns: The East Coast Shindig; BBQ and International Polish Horseshoes 2007 Inaugural Tournament was huge. By all accounts these anticipations were exceeded as Patty Returns: The East Coast Shindig; BBQ and International Polish Horseshoes 2007 Inaugural Tournament quickly grew to epic proportions and cemented itself in the pantheon of all-time BBQs/Inaugural PH tournaments/East Coast Shindigs. Scholars on the topic have already begun debating where Saturday's festivities would fall in a list of such celebrations. And though consensus how yet to be reached, most agree it would fall within the top three, along the BBQ/Inaugural PH tournament/East Coast Shindig of 1998 and the BBQ/Inaugural PH tournament/East Coast Shindig of 2002. Experts may never agree exactly where the event fits in the history of the IPHF, it will always be remembered as one of the best.
As all those in the PH world new, this years inaugural tournament, was to be the debut of team "Sledge-Hammer," Patty "The Hammer" Lyons and Johnny "The Sledge" Lyons. The elder Lyons a.k.a "The Hammer" also claimed that he would unveil his controversial, and never before seen, "Stone" throw. Team Sledge-Hammer quickly became the force that many attending the tournament feared they could become. Many felt that The Hammer would be attempting his "Stone" throw, involving a forklift and Mexican boy, as he began the tournament sporting a Skid-Row biker helmet. It was not to be, however, further adding to the mystique of the enigmatic throw, but also fueling those who claim that the throw does not exist and instead was fabricated by Lyons as a ploy to gain publicity for his return to the IPHF Eastern Division. Despite the controversy surrounding his refusal to throw "The Stone" Lyons did live up to his namesake, and made constant use of his "Hammer" throw, frustrating opposing PHers all day. Lyon's younger, yet tougher and more masculine, brother Johnny "Sledge" also lived up to his billing as one of the top young prospects of the league, impressing league scouts with his offensive consistency and defensive prowess. In unofficial league play, Sledge was a member of what many in attendance are calling the best team of the tournament, himself and Nelson "Dirty Nelly" Parise, the father of Brandon "Nail Breaker" Parise. Because they were not an officially registered team there results cannot be entered into the league stat book, but there 5-3 series victory over the perpetually dominating team of The Nailbreaker and The Regulator, left PHers around the globe wondering if a break-up of team Sledge-Hammer may be imminent. This series also saw a match-up of the league best bottle-men, in the younger and elder Parise's, as both illustrated their ability to protect against those pesky bottle points...more to come soon...

SEASON KICK-OFF TOMORROW

The excitement for tomorrows PH tournament, the first of the 2007 season, has reached a feverish pich. Tournament orginizers, Brandon Parise and Emma Sears, are hurrying to put the finishing touches on what looks to be a great tournament. Many of the PH greats have signed on to play. Michael "Hang it Off" Darman, Regs "The Regulator" Regele, Justin "The Burgler" Strasburger, Brandon "The Nail Breaker" Parise, and Patty "The Hammer" Lyons will all be in attendance at the tournament, who's location is being kept secret from the general public. PHers from around the globe are highly anticipating the return of Patrick "The Hammer" Lyons, who is teaming up with his meat-eating brother, Johnny "The Sledge" Lyons, to form Team Sledge Hammer. Lyons had this to say about tommorows tournament and his new team. "Team Sledge-Hammer is ready to take the PH world by storm. Sledge eats enough meat to make up for my low triglyceride levels. However, there is a good chance I will be bringing a slab of buffalo that I killed with my bare hands with help from a Indian friend and peyote dealer named Three Bear (he once killed three bears). I was on the Hopi reservation in the mist of a three week spirit journey when the Singing Tree told me to bring it the heart of a young buffalo to pay homage to the Great Spirit. Once my task was accomplished I was gifted a sacred peace-pipe which is said to bless any man with great powers that smokes from it. Needless to say team Sledge-Hammer will come 'blessed'."
Regs "The Regulator" Regele is also looking forward to tomorrow's PH action and seems confident that his team with the legendary "Nailbreaker" Parise will be a successful partnership. "I am very much looking forward to this weekend's tournament. It has been awhile since the Nailbreaker/Regulator team has faced any serious competition. The return of The Hammer will provide us with some formidable foes again. I am also intrigued by The Hammer's addition of his brother as his new partner. I hear the newcomer is bigger than The Hammer, and more masculine due to his love of red meat and BBQ. Accordingly, I hope to coin the nickname of "The Sledge" for this new PH face. In terms of other competition, I have heard a few rumblings from around the league. As far as I know, Joe "brizzibrazzical" Brazzi has failed to enter the tournament. Rumor is he enjoys Goldman's Ballsach too much to leave it for an entire weekend. I think its either that, or he is too ashamed of his Yankee's record and the absurd amount they just paid primadonna pitcher Roger Clemens. As a result, I know that many IPHFer's are questioning Brizzabrazzical's dedication to the sport. I was able to catch up with J. Michael "Picky About Nicknames" Darman last week. He is planning to make the trip, but he has not yet officially signed a teamate. As a relative unknown prior to last October's Homecoming tournament, Darman has quickly been climbing the PH ranks. With the right teamate, he is poised to stage an upset on Saturday. Despite the formidable competition we will be facing, I am confident the battle-tested Nailbreaker/Regulator combo will emerge victorious. I personally have taken training seriously. My daily routine includes several sparring matches with a brick wall, to toughen up the hands for those fast, borderline illegal, throws. I hope it will also help with The Hammer's rumored "Stone" (though I have my doubts that this throw really exists). I have also been wearing boxing gloves at all other times. This keeps my hands from becoming overworked, when in fits of rage, I feel the need to punch walls or other objects outside of controlled workouts. I am confident that my teamate Nailbreaker is also ready to go. Word is that he is now known by high school girls everywhere (but mostly in OOB) as "Mr. Buff". He has also been using his PH reputation to "cram mad pimpage" from Portland to Brunswick. Clearly, this man is at the top of the game, and will make the Nailbreaker/Regulator partnership a force to be reckoned with."
Tomorrow's tournament will also featuring copious amounts of grilled meat, and the official IPHF beverage, Allagash White. Its sure to be one for the ages and we will post results and photos from tomorrow's action as soon as the hangovers wear off. Good luck to all competitors, may the 2007 IPHF season be the best yet!

The Hammer Responds

Fortunately we were able to reach Patty "The Hammer" Lyons for comment on his impending return to the IPHF Eastern Division. Commenting on the article posted on the league website Lyon's quipped, "Well done, I believe you captured the essence of the story while staying true to the facts." Those of us closely involved are happy to see "The Hammer" back to his true self, that of honor and men, after the unfortunate events of this past off-season. Moreover, Lyon's hinted that he may have a few new tricks up his sleeve for the upcoming season. "What you don't know is that I have been secretly practicing a new PH style that will revolutionize the game and bring honor back to 'the Hammer'. I call it 'the Stone' and it involves a forklift, a large rock, and a young Mexican boy. I am still working on it." On behalf of all PH-ers out there I must say that I am incredibly frightened and excited to see if the "Stone" will revolutionize the game like The Hammer claims. Speaking with others in the league, many claim to have heard of this so-called "Stone" throw, but few have seen it in actual league play. Rumor has it that the throw was invented in a secret underground PH lair buried somewhere under the state of Montana. Two Western Division PH gurus claim to be able to teach this throw to their students but many are skeptical to the throws existence. Some Ph-ers from the Western Division, however, claim to have been the victim of what some have called "the most perfectly indefensible PH throw ever to exist in this world or any other." Eye-witness accounts have claimed that the throw approaches the ski pole at about 8 inches from the ground, but then makes a dramatic rise about 3 feet from the pole, either hitting the ski pole handle, or in most cases the beer bottle itself. One PH-er, speaking under the condition of anonymity, claims that he has been the victim of "The Stone." He claimed the Frisbee moves similar to the wiffle ball pitching of Felix "Da Hauskat" Jaekel and is like a "bad moon on the rise" and that it is "utterly impossible to catch either the bee or the bottle, especially if it shatters in your face from the brute force of the throw." It is important to remember that there are still many who claim the legend of "The Stone" is just a myth, and who feel that those claiming the ability to throw it are simply trying the cash in on the mystique of this enigmatic throw. All controversy aside, Lyons' claims should make an interesting start to the 2007 season as the media circus surrounding both his eminent return and alleged mastery of "The Stone," reaches a feverish pitch. Finally, as if the firestorm surrounding his return hadn't gotten hot enough, Lyons has decided to appeal the league's long-standing blood/meat level policies. "I would like to petition the league (of which I am 50%) to change the rule about meat blood % and allow for a blood alcohol/THC compensation for any % below the mandatory meat level." Though a decision in favor of Lyon's appeal would be unprecedented and extremely unlikely, it has been reported that league officials are currently beginning the formal appeal process, which unfortunately for Lyons, concludes with a vote by all IPHF players, coaches, and writers, many of whom see the blood/meat level policies as the cornerstone of this historic league. It has been rumored that Congress may become involved in the proceedings, but no Senator or Representative could be reached for comment. Whatever the outcome, the impending appeal process should add a heightened level of excitement to the upcoming season. We will be sure to follow this story and all those surrounding Lyon's return to the IPHF Eastern Division, as well as the start of the 2007 season, throughout the coming days and weeks.

THE HAMMER RETURNS!

Striking both fear and excitement throughout the IPHF it has been officially announced that Patrick "The Hammer" Lyons will be returning to the International Polish Horseshoes Federation this coming May. The Hammer sparked both controversy and outrage after a sudden departure (some thought permanent retirement) from the IPHF Eastern Division shortly before the end of the 2006 season. Though it was originally reported that he was traded to the Santa Fe Rattlesnakes, the deal quickly disintegrated during what some call, the greatest controversy the sport has ever seen. After signing a multi-million dollar deal with the Rattlesnakes late in the summer of 2006 Lyons was looking to dominate the fledgling Western Division with his patented hammer throw and veteran PH experience. The hopes, the dreams, the anticipation, however, was quickly extinguished. A series of events that those who knew Lyons personally could only call utterly unfathomable, began when Lyons' was randomly tested under the leagues mandatory substance policy. Defying logic, reason, honor and men, all that is sane and holy, and 3/5 of all IPHF rules and regulations, Lyons' blood was found not to contain the league required 44.2678% meat. Shockingly, his blood contained less than .03% meat which was consistent with other polish horsemen who had attempted the controversial meatless blood doping. Lyons adamantly denied the allegations, claiming he ate what his trainers told him to eat, but in retrospect was never aware exactly of what he was eating, always assuming it was meat. Though he was ultimately exonerated of any intentional meatless blood doping after it was found that his trainer, Lucas "The Grizzly" Bare, had been unknowingly removing the meat from his diet, Lyons felt that he needed to take time off to re-evaluate his future as a polish horsemen. Some thought this meant permanent retirement, while others believed Lyons was using the time off to get his blood/meat level up to league standards and perhaps negotiate a return to the Eastern Division. Regardless of his reasons at the time, Lyons disappeared. Though not one who could easily vanish from the public spotlight, for some time it appeared as if Lyons was gone forever. A fews months after the disappearance, however, Lyons was found. Some rogue IPHF reporters discovered Lyons driving a forklift for a wholesale slate company in rural New Mexico living under the alias "Bruce." (see picture below) "Bruce," as Lyons vehemently demanded to be called, seemed to have started a new life with a woman he would only refer to as "crazy-ass hula girl I love to have sex with all the time...cool." (again see picture of Lyons with "crazy-ass hula girl I love to have sex with all the time...cool" below) Shortly after being discovered, however, Lyons decided that the slate business was not all he thought it would be. Not the mention that "crazy-ass hula girl I love to have sex with all the time...cool" was in fact the feared Pussaliah in human form, and had hypnotized Lyons into putting the pussy on a pedestal. After using his newly acquired Yoga skills to break the hypnotic trance, Lyons began looking to return the IPHF. Fortunately the Eastern Divsion was willing to embrace their former star and offered him a contract for the 2007 season. Lyons, after ditching the Pussaliah incarnate, agreed to a contract whose terms would have him returning to the Eastern Division in early May, just in time for the 2007 spring training. Despite the events of the past year those who have played with Lyons in the Eastern Division are eager for his return and plans are currently being made for a massive party/PH tournament to celebrate the occasion. Matt "Regs the Regulator" Regele responded to the news saying, " I am so excited that Patrick is coming back that I have punched a hole through every wall in my house and my hands now look like bloody oatmeal." It has been reported that Michael "The Fortress" Darman has arranged an a-capella medley to commemorate Lyons' return featuring various Guster songs and claims he hasn't seen a player with Patrick's skills "in a LONG time." Joe "Brizzibrazzical" Brazzi was unable to be reached for comment, as he has spent his off-season deep inside Goldman's ball sack. Of course, Brandon "The Nailbreaker" Parise is greatly anticipating Lyons' return and is hoping that he can return to the form that brought him "fame, fortune, and the ability to cram pimpage better than anyone had ever crammed it before." Lyons' return to the Eastern Division is truly one of the most anticipated events in both sports and IPHF history. Fans and polish horsemen alike look forward to the 2007 season with great excitement and all hope for a successful season for Lyons. Stay tuned for the 2007 IPHF schedule. A date for the first tournament will be posted as soon as possible.

These are AWESOME!

Polish Horseshoes Coolies!!! So perfect, you can play without your hand getting cold from your beverage. They would also help prevent dropage which gives your opponent a free point. We may have to purchase these for use at all official International Polish Horseshoes Federation tournaments. If you want one for yourself you can purchase them here:
http://secure.mycart.net/catalogs/catalog.asp?prodid=4832677&showpre
vnext=1

Magnum

This is a picture of Patrick in his pre polish horshoes days. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, this one only needs one...Magnum.

Here are a couple of pics of Patrick and I after too many games of Polish Horseshoes.

Goin' for a ride

Just when I though he couldn't be any stupider Patrick went and totally redeemed himself. To save money on gas Patrick traded in our cars for a moped to travel back and forth from tournaments with. This thing hauls ass, topping out at about 35 mph. Sometimes he even lets me drive.

Fuck the Squirrels

At out monthly IPHF administrative lobster dinner (attended by Patrick, our treasurer Lisa and myself) we discovered our office was being invaded by squirrels. Never one to be frightened by rabbies carrying rodents, Patrick decided to take charge of the situation and show the squirrels who's the boss. Though he swears he "shot one in the face" no squirrels were harmed.

PH in Action

Over the summer Patrick "The Hammer" Lyons hosted two epic Summer Celebration/PH tournaments in his backyard. The first of these was to celebrate his graudation from college and the second was the celebrate his birthday and his move to Santa Fe , as he has just been traded to the Santa Fe Rattle Snakes who are in the American Southwest Division of the International Polish Horshoes Federation (IPHF). Though these days saw many great matches, both tournaments were won by the Nailbreaker and his rookie protege (and The Hammers brother) Johnny Lyons, who went undefeated for the day. These pictures were shot to document the occasions. The first two picutres show The Hammer and The Nailbreaker playing in a prelim match. Using your knees to get low for a catch is essential for success as a polish horshoer, and as many know, Patrick is very experienced on his knees. The next pictures show the team of Nic "The Bic" (white shirt) and Pat "I just spilled beer on my Armani Shirt" Brennen (blue shirt). These guys are fierce competitors and always bring their game. But here we see them the victim of a big 2 point hit. This summer "The Bic" brought his PH game, and razor, to Peurto Rico where he quickly climbed the ranks and became the champ of the American Protectorate division. Heres another picture of Nic and another teamate, Sun, right after another 2 pointer. This next picture is of Brandon and Johnny enjoying another undefeated run. Because he's not of age, Johnny is not yet eligable for official league play. However, all of the analysts believe he could quickly becom a top polish horsemen when he enters the league. Finally here is a pic of Team Pat Squared.
We see Pat Lyons look on as Pat Brennan tries, unsuccessfully, to to make a catch without spilling beer on his precious Armani shirt.

Rules of Engagement

Essential Materials:

• 4 players (two teams of two)
  

• 2 ski poles with flat tops

• a frisbee

• 2 empty beer bottles

• an ample supply of your favorite beverages

• a 35-40ft open grassy area

The Rules:

First, place two ski poles in the ground 35-40 ft apart on a grassy or sandy area. Atop each ski pole place an empty beer bottle. Each team of two stands behind their respective sk pole with a beer/beverage in one hand (which must stay in hand for the entirety of the game). Each team takes turns having one member throw a frisbee at the other team's ski pole, with the goal of hitting the opposing teams ski pole and/or beer bottle. The game is played until one team scores 11 points (winning by two). The numerous ways a scoring points are as follows. When the frisbee is thrown the receiving team must catch the frisbee with their free hand if it is a resonably catchable throw (this is decided democratically by both the throwing and receiving team) . If the frisbee is dropped the throwing team is awarded one point. If the throwing team hits the receiving team's ski pole or the beer bottle resting on the top of the ski pole one member of the receiving team must catch the falling beer bottle and the other must catch the frisbee before either hits the ground. The throwing team is awarded one point if the beer bottle hits the gound and one point if the frisbee hits the ground. The throwing team is also awarded a point if the receiving team touches the beer bottle (in an attempt to catch it) without it or the pole being hit by the frisbee. Furthermore, the frisbee must be caught after it passess the ski pole. So if a member of the receiving team goaltends, catching the frisbee before it passes the ski pole, the throwing team is awarded one point. The throwing team is also awarded one point if, in the act of catching the frisbee, a member of the receiving team drops his/her beer.

What is Polish horshoes?

Well, maybe the best game involving beverages, empty beverage bottles, ski poles and a frisbee ever...more details/pictures will follow.